Love, What is it?

What's love? i don't understand it. i don't understand the feeling. What am i suppose to feel when i'm in love or when i just love the person. i always compare it to a family's love because even that i don't know what that feels like, from me i mean. i know we are suppose to care about the person, want the person to be happy and stuff like that but what's the difference between in love and love? is infatuation the same thing?

the definition :  A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction. its synonym is love and that just weird. Because then we can't be infatuated with our family right? that's just freaky. i know maybe love is just such a subjective word that defining what it means is just way too complicated. 

im sure its weird that im asking this question but its the only question that will always be in my head. im probably still too young(im 20 in 11 days) to even grasp it but i just want to know what it is. 

for me needing to know what it is will help me in future relationships and eve present ones. i can't say "i love you" to someone if im not sure what that even means. nowadays i always, ALWAYS question and hesitate when i have to say "i love you" to any of my family members. 

Am i retarded?

In Between

"Who's your father?"

"Where's your dad?"

"How come there's no pictures of your dad?"

Questions and questions and more questions. And none have an answer. Just lies and lies and more lies.

The answer about my father was given to me one day by my mum. She said my father died of cancer.

Pull Me In

Pull me into the abyss
Suck me into darkness
the Light no longer engulfs me
the doors have closed
For I am a thorn,
Standing among Daisies.

what i crave for

I’d like to think that the concept of having a girlfriend/boyfriend is a waste of time. I’d like to think that I don’t need all that and really we don’t need it in our lives. But there are those times where you just want someone who you can call or text at anytime, day or night, just to talk just to say hello. I mean I don’t mind spending money for the person I really care about, like seriously if I care and love that person I spend money getting things for them if they want but of course for girls. When im with a girl im the guy but if im with a guy im the girl (obviously). Im just craving for something.

I’d like to think that I’m not an attention seeker, that I don’t need attention but really I do. Its not the kind where the spotlight is on you and people talk about you. Its more like a craving for affection and attention from someone you love and who loves you back. Someone that you can ber-manja with, chill out with. Someone that I can hold hands with, hug and kiss and not feel like im invading their space and feel comfortable and normal with.

Maybe I had those. They are mostly in the past an usually its my fault. I get scared I guess. Its weird, confusing. IM weird and confused. Its like I crave and want all these things but when I get it I end up pushing it away. The boys maybe because they are just too malay for me, and I don’t mean to be a snob its just I don’t think the person can fit into my life or how I live my life. I don’t want the person to be all religious and shit and here I am rebellious and shit. It just doesn’t feel right like,god I don’t know how to explain this. Its like im this chick that isn’t religious and then theres these guys who are religious and they’re sweet, funny, nice, gentleman-like and I just feel like I’m putting them down like I am a sin which equals to them doing a sin or something (gosh, figure it out yourself).

The girls well, we all know that girls are generally affectionate and I easily get attached especially when that person is affectionate with me and so because of this I get scared, I get confused. Like I like them but I don’t know if I like them in the gay way or I just like them because they are affectionate. Then there are those that are unavailable I don’t know if its just because they aren’t available that I like them or I really like them.

For example this chick that is engaged. I like her. Like I just wanna hold her hands and hug her and lepak and be all lovey-dovey and jst hang out with her. Is that me being gay or is it just me craving affection and attention that she obviously reciprocate? With girls im confused. With guys im a snob.

I don’t know. 

unquestionable questions

Religion is dictatorial. Whether it be Christianity, Islamic, Jew or whatever other religion that exists. We are asked to be obedient and unquestioning. Follow rules that were set by an entity. And if rules aren’t followed we will be punished either physically or materialistically or whatever. The end result, as we are taught, will either be heaven or hell.

Buddhism (I think) calls it karma when something bad happens to us because we did something bad to other people. Is that the punishment that the entity promised to happen?

Most religions tell us to be good human beings. And how do we achieve this? First believe in the entity, second follow the rules that are set, third be obedient/respect to our parents.

This entity, God, is explained to have given us these rules to ensure our happiness on earth and the hereafter. But what if the rules that are set is whats barring us from being happy on earth but happy in the afterlife? Are we suppose to just die of unhappiness on earth in order to live happily in the hereafter?

I applaud those who do not question. I applaud those who know. I applaud because you are granted happiness on earth and also will be granted happiness in the hereafter.

Having to just do things that we don’t want to do because we have to be respectful and obedient to our parents is just something that I cannot grasp. I understand that they have sacrificed a lot for us while we grow up and that cycle will never end as we ourselves will be parents one day. But I just don’t understand why we have to do things that make us unhappy but it makes them happy. Why can’t it be a win-win situation between parents and child?

We always hear parents saying that they just want us to be happy but yet they do things or ask us to do things that are the complete opposite of the intended action.

Hey, maybe im just a self-centered selfish bitch questioning all these things but im just another kid asking questions that needs answering. 

infatutaion

Oh shit. Its happening again. Infatuation.

She’s this girl that works at the same place that I work at too. She’s.. I don’t know. I'm intrigued by her. I want to get to know her better. I want to understand her. The first time we met we just clicked. She was easy to get along with. I felt comfortable with her right away. And that’s saying something because I'm not the type to get comfortable with people easily. I need a couple of days to get comfortable with someone. Go figure.

She’s adorable.  She’s bubbly. She smiles a lot too. I love her smile. And how her eyes are just so full of joy when she smiles. Or maybe that’s just her contact lenses. Haha .. anyway she’s really nice. I feel like we understand each other. Like if we had time and the opportunity we could just talk for ages. And I'm very sure we have things in common. And we are getting closer. My other colleagues even call us best friends. I mean come on even we haven’t categorized our friendship that way. And god, liking girls is just hard, not that im a confirmed lesbian maybe just bisexual and find girls much more appealing(hahah) I mean she started calling me “babe” and I know I know it’s a normal thing girls do but it just sprouted butterflies in my tummy. My heart practically swelled. i just want to hold her hand, hug her, tell her i miss her and know that she knows that i really really miss her. And, just great, im jealous already coz she’s gonna hang out with one of her girl friends. Yes, I have a jealous streak shoot me.  

But unfortunately she’s malay, wears tudung and best part she’s engaged. Its an arranged marriage so she doesn’t really like the guy, yet I guess. Coz she said if they get married then she’ll try. But I didn’t get that part though. Like isn’t she suppose to be trying now? They’ve been engaged for a year plus now.  

Anyway, I like her. Like I wanna talk, and be with her all the time kind of like. But that’s infatuation for ya.  

But lucky me she’s going overseas so it’ll be easy for me to get her outta my system. so that i wont have these feelings. I use the “out of sight, out of mind” method. It’ll kill me inside but im a masochist more than a saddist so whatever. I just want her to be happy. I hope she is.and I just wish she knew how much I care about her.

rambling of an idiot

Parents. They are always there for us. Always thinking of our happiness. Always sacrificing their time, money and whatever else just for us. And their duty never ends. It only ends when they have passed. And even then there are those who will in somehow still get help from their late parents. 

Lucky them.

But unfortunately, thinking of our happiness clouds their own judgment. They try to think of what will make us happy when really sometimes they don’t have a clue. And sometimes we do what they ask us to do because they think it’ll make us happy when actually we just do it to make them happy even if it doesn't make us, the intended receiver, happy.

They think of our happiness, they tell us, if we don’t like it we still do it for their happiness.

It’s a fucking. Vicious. Cycle.

And then there is the protectors instinct in parents. They will do whatever it takes to protect us even from our own selves. And they can sometimes go way over-protective.  Its crazy being a parent. There isn't a rule book. There is no exact way on how to be a parent. What we shouldn't do and what we should or the limits.

I don’t know I guess for me it irritates me.  And I don’t mean to offend parents, I mean god one day I'm gonna be one of those parents and irritating the hell outta my kids and there will be another kid probably thinking this exact same thing.  Like I said, vicious cycle.

fear of reality

Don’t just stand there between Yes or No
Stay or Go
Between the ache of letting go 
And the love that flows
I’m here for only a moment
It may seem like an eternity 
But my love for you is about to disappear
Don’t bother me with all your reality
It’s the only thing keeping you from being happy
What’s inside your head? 
Tell me who you are, I want to understand
My heart is bound to change
Don’t leave it to chance
The crossroads will turn into a path
With only one way to go
So stop standing there
My knees are on the ground hoping
My hand in my heart pounding
Even if it leads you nowhere
Right now, this is where you should be
With me.
Give me your hand
Let me guide you, I’ll show you the way
Give me your heart, I’ll pour it with love
Don’t let fear of reality eat you inside
Don’t let it swallow you alive.

ME

a name doesn't define who you are
it doesn't explain what you are
a name doesn't award you acceptance
it doesn't explain your importance
and if blood is the only way
then blood is relation and relation is what gives you acceptance.
i will gladly drain the blood from my body
to be free from this fight
a fight for validity
validity to be me.

the beginning

“Hello?”

“Hi. Is this Nadia?”

“Yup.”

“Can I speak to your brother?”

“Is this daddy?”

He let out an amused chuckle, “Call me Uncle Michael.”

I called my brother. As I walked back to my room I heard him say, “Hi dad.”

I sat on the floor in my room by the door listening to my brother’s side of the conversation. “No, she doesn’t know. We haven’t told her yet.”

The memory just popped in my head. The colours, the voices. I don’t really know what triggers it. Its different every time.  Sometimes its just a bad day. Sometimes its something someone says. Sometimes it just appears.

The details may be fuzzy but the images in my head are like flashes when you see famous people walking around with paparazzi screaming their names and flashbulbs are exploding. They are vivid, popping out at me. I can even distinctively hear the bulbs crack, pop, break.

You. Will. Always. Remember.

Like how my brother was shirtless, wearing blue shorts, one leg crossed over the other. How my hair swayed when I turned to look at him for a second and he gave me a small smile after I heard him say hi to his dad. How I could hear him laugh awkwardly, tensed, when he said, “No, she doesn’t know. We haven’t told her yet.” And then another small awkward laugh ,”Yeah..”

The Truth Pt 1

Looking at my reflection in my closet mirror I never understood those scenarios in books or movies where the character would just stare into the mirror and suddenly understand something or just see something that no one else can. I don’t get it, really. Because I’m staring at myself and all I see is my reflection the exact function of a mirror. I don’t see a sudden realization that my life is crumbling apart and I need to do something. I don’t see a sudden realization that I am somebody. I don’t see that sudden epiphany where the knowledge of the worlds come crashing down on you. Maybe that’s just it. I don’t see. Maybe those are just scenarios writers just jot down because they want to believe that something like that can happen for a 19 year old. Maybe everyone are just big fat liars. Maybe.

“Nadia!”

That shakes me out of my thoughts, but I still stare at myself, stare into my brown ordinary eyes.

“Nadia!”

I have no choice but to respond to my sisters beckoning. Really, if its another question as to where the potatoes are I’m just going to say I don’t know and tell her to ask the maid.

And of course I was wrong not the potatoes, canned mushrooms, which is even better because she knows exactly where it is but she can’t find it and usually that means it’s finished. Really, the amount of intelligence in this household surprises me because sometimes small things like mushrooms can’t be grasped.

After explaining that the mushrooms are out I sit at the counter listening to my sister grumble about being hungry and about being fat, which is kind of silly as both topics contradict each other in a way. Funny really. So I just be the good little sister and automatically say, “no, you’re not fat.”  Well, of course it doesn’t appease anything as she still complains about it while flopping down on the sofa and channel surf.

Staying at my spot at the counter staring off into space I think about what I said. The automatic response of a supportive younger sister and I think about obligations towards family, about sincerity, honesty and loyalty. Those are the three things that are important in a family right? Other than love of course. Oh! Which brings me to the question of obligatory love in a family establishment.

When we were younger even until we’re way past the adult barrier of life our mothers still remind us to always tell the truth and telling the truth means having to be sincere. But they never explain to us the meaning of obligations in a family. Obligation and sincerity cannot be in the same equation can it?

For example, when our relatives come from across seas to visit us we have to greet them even when we don’t feel like making conversation with anyone at the moment. Say the “hi”’s, “how are you”’s, “i miss you”’s. When really, we don’t give a shit. That’s considered an obligation right? Like it’s not like we’re sincere when we ask “how are you?” because I don’t really care. I mean u travelled to see us I’m sure on some level your fine and I just don’t want to go in deeper. Then there’s always the “I’m fine” or “I’m okay” response which again really not the most honest answer anyone can give because no one is okay no one is actually really fine.

No one should tell us to be sincere and honest. Because if everyone was 100% sincere and honest all the time someone may end up dead in a ditch at 3 o’clock in the morning.

“Nad?”

“Huh? What?” I was taken out of my reverie.

“I asked if you wanted to watch. I’m going to take a nap.” My sister, always taking a nap.

“Uh, just leave it on. “

“Okay.”

Before my sister reached her bedroom door my mum bursted through the front door obviously late for another dinner party. “Bye. I’m late. I’m late.”

I can’t help but let out a small laugh because what else was new when it came to my mum and her dinner parties.

“Bye mum, have fun.” I said smiling getting up to hug her. My sister waiting in line most probably laughing at my mum’s antics as well. Just as my mum walked out the door my sister said, “Bye ma, have fun! Be careful. Love you!”

But of course my mum didn’t respond. The usual sometimes when she’s late for something. My sister promptly went back to go take a nap in her room. I walked to the couch and rummaged through the cushions because every time either of my siblings watched television somehow the control slips between the cushions. Ridiculous. Really. While I rummaged I thought about love. Which to be quite honest with you is always on my mind because I just don’t fully understand the concept. 

Bad Place ?

you know your in a bad place when all you think about is wanting to jump off a tall building or a cliff and see if you'll die from shock before you hit the pavement and smashing your skull. Its actually a fact that most people die from shock before they plunge to their deaths, according to a friend. a trustworthy friend as he doesn't lie apparently.

anyway, yeah, I guess Im in a bad place. I've been in a bad place for a while. funny, maybe that was what i was in denial about. why is it funny? well, back in high school I attended english literature class and we had to think of what we were in denial of but at the the time i did not know what it was but i definitely knew i was in denial of something. everybody is. now, don’t deny THAT.

so maybe I only think of jumping off a cliff every time I hear defying gravity. the glee version with Rachel and Kurt singing. Best duet by the way. Okay no, that's just a lie. I been thinking about the "die of shock" fact ever since my friend told me. I don't remember why he told me, I think we were watching something. and the other funny part about this whole thing is, a few weeks ago I was having a bad "brain and heart war" and coincidently defying gravity came on and of course in thought nothing about jumping off a cliff it was more like soaring high up above the world nothing to drag you down kind of thought. So I tweeted the name of the song with the hash and np (#np) which means now playing and my twitter account is connected to my facebook account and he commented something that meant that he thought I was thinking of jumping off a cliff.  Which actually shocked me at first(the irony) but yeah now its stuck in my head the whole fact about dying of shock, jumping off buildings and defying gravity. Am I in a bad place?