I had a dream about you. It's been awhile since I had one actually. I'm just holding on to that one thought, it was a dream. Don't worry it isn't an everyday occurance, like I said it's been awhile.
The thing about the dreams that have you in them is that they leave me sad. Yearning for a different life. Yearning for you to still be in it. I don't know why I still dream of you. I have conceded and admitted long ago that I was in love with you back in the day. A time when I was oblivious to it because I was so self-absored. Its torture really, these dreams. See even my dreams are trying to kill me.
The dream reminds me of New Year in PD because the house in the dream was a beach house or more like a mansion. Huge. There was a sort of mini pool stretching from one end of the house to the other end. And I am only visualizing this because it is the most important part. Its the place where I saw you again.
You know how in dreams everything is sorta real. You sorta know who the person is in your dreams. You sorta know where you are. You sorta know what you're wearing. All this seems real but ultimately it's a dream and when you wake the faces are blurry, the place's a little bit shady, and the details a little bit foggy. When you wake up you try to visualize the person in the dream and you really can't, its sort of faded, distorted, but you are 100% sure its that person.
Well, that's how it is when I try and remember your face in that dream. I try to place the face from memories to the face in dreams but its impossible. It doesn't fit as it should. It's always like that. And I have grown to accept it as it is.
Anyway, in the dream I've already met you a few times but like I said in dreams its kind of distorted and you only remember things that happen at the end of the dream. And so I only really remember the last hug of the dream. It felt like it was my last day at the beach house/mansion, ironically, so I decided to go for a swim and I wasn't alone. The person I was with seems to change according to the scene, it would split between two people but anyway I was in the pool when I saw you walking with someone else and I'm not sure who it is but I remember I shouted, "oh my god! My two favourite people in the world!" And proceeded to hug you to death then the person you were walking with. I remember I was wearing those fake glasses and when I looked at you and said hi you moved them pass my eyes to my forhead and looked into my eyes and said hi. In the dream I was very happy.
Reviewing that scene and what I said, I think the girl you were with was farah and the girl I was with at the moment was Anna and sometimes it would be Jenna depending on the scene of the dream of course. But as I said in dreams everything is distorted except for the 100% feeling of knowing who is who and as of right now I'm only 100% sure about your presence in my dream.
Like in movies a scene automatically dissolves into another scene. The audience never knowing what happened in between those two scenes but accepts that fact anyway and that's how its like after that hug because the next thing I remember is that we are walking hand in hand through the house. Exploring. Some details are not of improtance so I wont be divulging in them.
The next scene is us walking through a room that had dark brown wood for walls, floor to ceiling. At one end there were two stairs left and right meeting at the middle leading to a second floor that rounds the entire room but the walls are bare so I said to you,"I think it would be nice if the walls were filled with books." And you just smiled. You were leaning on the wall, casually. I placed a hand next to your head to lean on and I rememmber saying,"this reminds me of harry potter."
I don't know why I said it, I don't remember anything remotely close that would remind me of harry potter but there you go.
And you just gave a small smile, laughing a bit I guess. And looking away you said,"you were always a bit slow. " in the dream I remember being confused, "what do you mean? Are you making fun of me? You better not be making fun of harry potter. I know how much you don't like harry potter."
The thing is I don't even know if you like harry potter or not. I can't/don't remember if you do or not.
We were leaning so close to each other. Well I was leaning close to you. Invading your personal space if you will. I remember that. I also think that I wanted to kiss you. There was that kind of moment, that feeling you have when you want to kiss someone, in that moment, in that dream scene. But of course nothing happened and that scene like in movies cut to another. We were out on the patio facing the mini pool and I desperately needed to go to the toilet. Twice. And from there I was between dream state and waking up. Before I woke up I remember that I had asked you if you wanted to go swim for a bit. To get away. But you refused. And then I woke up. And I really had to go to the toilet.
The most sad and pathetic part was that when I got back in my room, jumped on the bed and tried to go back to that dream. Tried to go back to sleep. But sadly couldn't. So instead I decided to write this down.
I guess its kind of metaphorical. Kind of a message. Kind of an acknowledgement. Thinking back to the dream especially back to the harry potter scene where you said I was always a bit slow, now I'm thinking in the dream maybe you,the you that my unconscious self was projecting, were refering about back in in the days where my obliviousness of everything else but myself was my undoing, our undoing. Like I said kind of metaphorical.
And these dreams of you and I make me sad. Make me want to cry. It's unfair that my unconscious mind is punishing me for being naive and blind. I long for love. I long to be in love and be loved. I compare them to you. Them being a girl or guy that I like. Compare meaning that they could never hold a light to how much I truly cared for you and loved you. And maybe that is the reason for me being alone. But it isn't your fault. How can it?
It's been 7 years Lilo and I still dream about you. I still think about you. I miss you. The many things I wish, sometimes involve you. I know i have to let you go. I thought i did. Maybe a small fraction of me hasn't. But I'd like to think that if we were meant to be, doesn't matter right now if that means friends or lovers, but if it was meant to be then we would meet again. At a different time when I am more comfortable in my skin. When I am more confident in myself because that's the sort of person you need and deserve. Maybe then we would meet again. I'll always love you and miss you Lilo.
