Regret is My Only Poison - 2

I had a dream this morning. Of course you were the main star. I wouldn't bother otherwise. It's vague like most dreams. You don't remeber how it really started and you only remember the ending and even then you aren't sure if  it is the ending. A vicious cycle of doubt runs my life, can you tell?  This dream though is different than the rest because I woke up feeling lighter. Everything before that moment in the dream is a massive blur but I remember heartache and being angry and sad. I was crouched down having a fucking meltdown (I'm having meltdowns in my dreams! God forbid.) And there you were taking my hand asking me to get the fuck up. Consciously, I can't recall now though if you've ever cursed or even how your voice sounds which breaks me the more I think about it so I won't. Anyway, with great difficulty you tugged at me until I could get up and pulled me away and said, &You have to let go&. When I woke up i thought, &Let you go?&  Was it even possible for me to do that?

Could I do that? Do I even want to?  I've tried many times to forget you but somehow when dream you says it it finally clicks that I have not really tried. I've only been pushing feelings and thoughts away. No wonder monsters and demons laugh at me. They thrive in my denial and despair. So this time I'll listen even if it's only dream you talking.

Regret is my only Poison - 1

I miss you so much. Everyday. And i'm just a fucking coward. It's been 7 years and the yearning has yet to cease. Do you know? Do you dream about me like i dream about you? Do you look into his or her eyes and think of me? I do. I think about you, comparing you with them. A pedestal of feelings that no one has yet to overcome. But I've tried not to. I've tried moving on. I've tried hating you and for awhile it worked, for awhile i didn't think about you, for awhile i wasn't tormemted by this overbearing feeling of regret. But only for awhile because I realized that hating you or anyone in someway means that I care which I did not want to. So I decided not to. I threw away everything that reminded me of you and in my haste did not stop to think that this decision, in the future, will also add to the bricks of regret that just keeps building.

I received a message from you which surprised me and excited me all at the same time. A picture of a note I had given to you once. A time when I was young and naive. A time when I was selfish and thought that everything and everyone around me was against me but I had you and that was okay but I was too young in the mind and didn't know better. Along with that picture was 2 words, &Miss you.& I didn't know how to respond, my mind was in jumbles and my heart racing. Didn't you know I have always missed you and always will until we meet again? But with monsters lurking, all i could come up with was, &Always&. Not even the words itself, just one. Of course, my heart grew because its been a long time since we talked and the first thing you send me is a picture of the note. Had you kept it all this while? Had that note meant so much to you and I did not realize?  I am ashamed with myself just thinking about this.

See how my naivity got in the way of what we might have had? You kept that note for this long and what have i done? I let monsters and demons control my thoughts, and threw out everything that reminds me of you, threw our love away. What love was it? I do not know. Until now I am still lost about my feelings. Yes, I do miss you. That means I care. That means I love, no? Maybe yes. Love has many forms but I don't know what form mine has taken when it comes to you.