what i crave for

I’d like to think that the concept of having a girlfriend/boyfriend is a waste of time. I’d like to think that I don’t need all that and really we don’t need it in our lives. But there are those times where you just want someone who you can call or text at anytime, day or night, just to talk just to say hello. I mean I don’t mind spending money for the person I really care about, like seriously if I care and love that person I spend money getting things for them if they want but of course for girls. When im with a girl im the guy but if im with a guy im the girl (obviously). Im just craving for something.

I’d like to think that I’m not an attention seeker, that I don’t need attention but really I do. Its not the kind where the spotlight is on you and people talk about you. Its more like a craving for affection and attention from someone you love and who loves you back. Someone that you can ber-manja with, chill out with. Someone that I can hold hands with, hug and kiss and not feel like im invading their space and feel comfortable and normal with.

Maybe I had those. They are mostly in the past an usually its my fault. I get scared I guess. Its weird, confusing. IM weird and confused. Its like I crave and want all these things but when I get it I end up pushing it away. The boys maybe because they are just too malay for me, and I don’t mean to be a snob its just I don’t think the person can fit into my life or how I live my life. I don’t want the person to be all religious and shit and here I am rebellious and shit. It just doesn’t feel right like,god I don’t know how to explain this. Its like im this chick that isn’t religious and then theres these guys who are religious and they’re sweet, funny, nice, gentleman-like and I just feel like I’m putting them down like I am a sin which equals to them doing a sin or something (gosh, figure it out yourself).

The girls well, we all know that girls are generally affectionate and I easily get attached especially when that person is affectionate with me and so because of this I get scared, I get confused. Like I like them but I don’t know if I like them in the gay way or I just like them because they are affectionate. Then there are those that are unavailable I don’t know if its just because they aren’t available that I like them or I really like them.

For example this chick that is engaged. I like her. Like I just wanna hold her hands and hug her and lepak and be all lovey-dovey and jst hang out with her. Is that me being gay or is it just me craving affection and attention that she obviously reciprocate? With girls im confused. With guys im a snob.

I don’t know.